i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
