So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
