this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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