There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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