His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
