ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
