There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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