Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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