she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
