How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Randomize
