i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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