This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm just crazy horny about you
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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