I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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