the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
