Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
