Apparently you make a good broom.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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