I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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