The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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