I feel great
I just peed on a car
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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