And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
