Don't make out with my wife yet
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
