Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
