His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
