Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
