All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
