I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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