I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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