i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
