Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
