First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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