I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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