Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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