So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
