I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
