It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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