dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
