I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
