I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
