Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't deserve a penis
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
sex in a hospital.. check
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
