i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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