chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
