I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
This is my gift to your gina
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
