In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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