i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It's Friday. Sex?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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