NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
