He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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