Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
