i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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