I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
