A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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