1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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