The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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