nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
