I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
