I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
